Micro-cheating: what it is and how to talk about it
Micro-cheating is a name for small behaviors that aren’t physical cheating but still cross a line your partner cares about. Nobody agrees on exactly where that line is, so the useful question isn’t “is this cheating?” but “is this okay with us?”
By Alexey Smolygin, maker of Floom · Updated
Where do you each draw the line?
Answer cheating or not cheating for each scenario on one phone, pass it over, and see where your answers differ.
What counts as micro-cheating
The term covers behaviors that suggest romantic or sexual interest in someone else, or that put emotional energy outside the relationship in a way your partner would object to. None of them is an affair on its own. What they usually share is secrecy: if you’d change what you’re doing when your partner walks into the room, it’s worth asking why.
Because every couple sets its own boundaries, the same behavior can be fine for one couple and a betrayal for another. That’s why talking about it matters more than finding a definition. Research backs this up: couples counselors interviewed in one study described a “rich web of conflicting definitions” of infidelity, and in another set of studies people broadly agreed that sexual behaviors count as cheating but were much less sure about online and emotional ones, which is where most micro-cheating sits.
Source: Moller and Vossler (2015), “Defining Infidelity in Research and Couple Counseling,” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 41(5)
Source: Thompson and O’Sullivan (2016), “Drawing the Line,” The Journal of Sex Research 53(8)
Common examples
Behaviors couples often disagree about
- Keeping a dating app installed “just to look.”
- Deleting or archiving a conversation so your partner won’t see it.
- Flirty messages or reactions you wouldn’t want your partner to read.
- Confiding in someone you’re attracted to about problems in your relationship.
- Playing down that you’re in a relationship when you talk to someone.
- Saving someone in your phone under a different name.
- Regularly checking an ex’s profile or keeping a streak going with them.
- Making plans with someone you’re attracted to and not mentioning it.
Micro-cheating vs emotional cheating
Emotional cheating, sometimes called an emotional affair, is an ongoing emotional intimacy with someone outside the relationship that starts to compete with your partner: they become the first person you tell good news to, or the one who knows what’s really going on with you. Micro-cheating is smaller and often a one-off. It can stay small, or it can be the first step toward an emotional affair, which is why it’s easier to talk about early.
How to talk about it
People tend to judge their own online and emotional behavior more leniently than the same thing from their partner, so agreeing on concrete examples together works better than assuming you see it the same way.
- Talk about boundaries before something happens. It’s much easier to discuss a scenario than an accusation.
- Use concrete examples. “Is it okay to keep chatting with an ex?” leads to a clearer answer than “what counts as cheating?” The game on this page gives you 48 of them.
- Describe what happened and how it made you feel, instead of labeling your partner.
- Agree on what you’d each want to know about, like new close friendships or messages from exes.
- Revisit the conversation when life changes, such as a new job, a move or more time apart.
Source: Thompson and O’Sullivan (2016), “I Can But You Can’t,” Journal of Relationships Research 7
Boundaries vs. control
Agreeing on boundaries together is healthy: you each say what would hurt you and decide what you’re both comfortable with, and those agreements can change as the relationship does. Control is different. A partner who demands your passwords, tracks your location, checks your phone without asking or tells you who you can be friends with isn’t setting a boundary. Love is respect, the US helpline for dating abuse, lists checking a partner’s phone and tracking where they go as warning signs of controlling behavior.
If you feel controlled or unsafe, talk to someone you trust. In the US you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Source: Love is respect: warning signs of abuse
Source: Love is respect: types of abuse, including technology-facilitated abuse
If you think it’s happening
Raise it calmly and specifically: what you noticed and why it bothered you. Give your partner room to explain, and be clear about what you need going forward. Don’t go through their phone to find out: it breaks trust further, and Love is respect says snooping isn’t okay even if you suspect cheating. If trust is badly damaged or the same conversation keeps turning into a fight, a couples therapist can help you both talk about it more safely.