Questions to ask before marriage

The questions

Both of you answer each question. The goal isn’t to agree on everything, it’s to know where you differ before it matters.

Money

1. How much debt do you have, and how do you feel about it?
2. Joint accounts, separate accounts or both?
3. How much can either of us spend without checking with the other?
4. What are we saving for in the next five years?
5. Who will handle the bills and the budget?
6. How did your family talk about money when you were growing up?
7. How do we feel about lending money to family or friends?
8. What does financial security mean to you?

Kids and family planning

1. Do you want kids? If so, how many and when?
2. If we can’t have kids the way we planned, how do we feel about adoption, fertility treatment or not having children?
3. Would one of us stay home or work less? Who?
4. How were you disciplined as a child, and what would you keep or change?
5. Which traditions or beliefs do you want to pass on?
6. How involved should grandparents be in raising our kids?
7. What would we do if one of us changed our mind about having kids?
8. Do we want pets, and who takes care of them?

Family and in-laws

1. How often do we want to see each of our families?
2. How will we split holidays?
3. How much say should our parents have in our decisions?
4. Would we ever live with one of our parents?
5. What do you admire about your parents’ relationship, and what do you want to avoid?
6. How do we handle it when a family member criticizes one of us?
7. How would we care for a parent who needs help as they get older?

Work and where to live

1. Where do you want your career to be in ten years?
2. Would you move for my job? Would you expect me to move for yours?
3. City, suburbs or somewhere rural?
4. Do you want to rent or buy, and when?
5. How much do you want to be working in twenty years?
6. How would we handle one of us wanting a big career change?
7. What does a good work-life balance look like for you?

Conflict and communication

1. When we argue, do you need space first or do you want to talk it through right away?
2. What makes you feel heard?
3. Is anything off-limits in an argument?
4. How do you like to apologize, and how do you like to be apologized to?
5. Would you be open to couples therapy if we got stuck?
6. What did your parents’ arguments teach you?
7. Is there something I do that bothers you that you haven’t mentioned?
8. How will we make big decisions when we disagree?

Everyday life

1. How do we split chores, and what happens when one of us is busier?
2. How much time alone do you need each week?
3. What role do our friends play once we’re married?
4. What are our rules about phones and social media?
5. Do you want vacations to be adventures or rest?
6. How clean is clean enough?
7. What does a typical weeknight look like for us?
8. How do we keep dating each other?

Values and the future

1. What role do religion or spirituality play in your life, and in ours?
2. What does commitment mean to you in practice?
3. What are your expectations around monogamy and friendships with exes?
4. How do you think about health, exercise and taking care of yourself?
5. Where do you see us in ten years?
6. What does retirement look like to you?
7. What would make you feel our marriage was going well?

Affection and closeness

1. How do you most like to show love, and to receive it?
2. How important is physical affection to you day to day?
3. What do you need from me when you’re stressed?
4. What would make you feel neglected?
5. How should we talk about it when our needs are different?
6. How often do we want to check in about how the relationship is going?
7. What’s one thing you hope never changes about us?

How to use these questions

Don’t try to cover everything in one night. Pick a topic, put your phones away and take turns answering. When you disagree, write down what you agreed to try, and come back to the list each year or before big decisions like buying a home or having kids. If a topic keeps turning into an argument, premarital counseling gives you a neutral place to work through it.

What research says about talking before marriage

In a large random survey of US households, people who had taken part in premarital education reported more satisfaction, more commitment and less conflict in their marriages, and were less likely to divorce. A survey can’t show the education caused that, and a later review of 47 studies found that premarital programs reliably improve how couples communicate, while the evidence that they raise later satisfaction is mixed.

Timing can matter too. In another survey, people who moved in together before getting engaged reported slightly lower marital satisfaction than those who waited until they were engaged or married. The differences were small, but they’re a reason to have these conversations before you share a lease, not after.

Source: Stanley, Amato, Johnson and Markman (2006), “Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability,” Journal of Family Psychology 20(1)
Source: Fawcett, Hawkins, Blanchard and Carroll (2010), “Do Premarital Education Programs Really Work?,” Family Relations 59(3)
Source: Rhoades, Stanley and Markman (2009), “The Pre-Engagement Cohabitation Effect,” Journal of Family Psychology 23(1)