The 36 questions to fall in love, and how to do them as a couple

Where the 36 questions come from

The questions come from a study by Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine Aron, Robert Vallone and Renee Bator, “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings,” published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 1997. Pairs of people who had never met took turns answering three sets of 12 questions, with about 15 minutes for each set. Pairs who worked through the questions reported feeling closer afterwards than pairs who spent the same time on small talk.

The study was about closeness between strangers, not romance, and the researchers aimed for a temporary feeling of closeness rather than a relationship. The questions became known as a way to fall in love after Mandy Len Catron described trying them with an acquaintance in her 2015 Modern Love essay “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” She writes about finishing with four minutes of silent eye contact.

Source: Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone and Bator (1997), Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 23(4)
Source: Mandy Len Catron, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” The New York Times (2015)

How the three sets work

The questions get more personal as you go, both within each set and from one set to the next. The first set is easy to answer, the second is about values and memories, and the third asks you to be vulnerable and to say what you think of the other person. One question from each set gives a sense of the range:

• Set I: “What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?”
• Set II: “What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?”
• Set III: “When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?”

Source: The full list of 36 questions at Greater Good in Action (UC Berkeley)

How to do them with your partner

1. Set aside about 45 minutes somewhere quiet, with your phones out of reach once you have the list open.
2. Take turns. Both of you answer every question, and you alternate who goes first.
3. Go in order. The questions build on each other, so skipping ahead to the deep ones takes away what makes them work.
4. Listen more than you respond. Ask a follow-up question instead of debating an answer.
5. If you want the version from the essay, finish with four minutes of eye contact without talking.

Why they still work if you’ve been together for years

The questions work by taking turns sharing something a little more personal each time. Long-term couples often skip that because they assume they already know the answers. They usually don’t: what someone would call a perfect day, or the thing they’re proudest of, changes over the years. Doing the questions again is a structured way to notice those changes.

12 questions to ask after the 36

We wrote these for couples who already know each other well. Use them as a fourth set, or on their own for a shorter evening.

Set IV, by Floom

1. What did you think of me the first time we met?
2. Which year of our relationship would you relive, and why?
3. What’s a small thing I do that makes your day better?
4. When did you feel most proud of us as a team?
5. What’s something about us you never want to change?
6. What do you think we really argue about, underneath the usual topics?
7. What’s one way I could support you better this month?
8. What does a perfect ordinary Tuesday look like for us?
9. What’s a dream you haven’t said out loud yet?
10. What’s something you’ve wanted to ask me but haven’t?
11. What tradition would you like us to start?
12. Where do you hope we are five years from now?