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Deep questions to ask your partner

Small talk keeps a relationship running. Deep questions are how you keep learning about each other. These 48 go from what you need and what shaped you to how you fight and where you’re headed. Pick a few, not all of them, and leave room to listen.

By , maker of Floom ·

Warm up with a game

Four decks about unspoken needs, stress, honesty and making up. Answer on one phone, pass it over, and use the answers that differ as your first deep question.

Pick a deck

One phone, two players. You both answer the same questions, then see where you match.

Why deep questions bring you closer

Closeness grows when you take turns sharing something a little more personal each time. That’s the idea behind the famous 36 questions: in a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, pairs who worked through gradually more personal questions for 45 minutes felt closer afterwards than pairs who spent the time on small talk.

Couples who have been together for years tend to skip this, because they assume they already know the answers. The questions below are written for partners who know each other well, so they ask about what has changed, what goes unsaid and what you want next.

Source: Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone and Bator (1997), Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 23(4)

How to ask deep questions

  1. Pick three or four questions, not the whole list. One real answer is worth more than ten quick ones.
  2. Choose a calm moment, like a walk, a long drive or dinner without phones. Not the middle of an argument.
  3. Both of you answer every question, and take turns going first.
  4. Ask a follow-up instead of answering with your own story: “What was that like?” or “When did you first feel that?”
  5. If an answer surprises or hurts you, say thank you before you react. You can come back to it later.

The questions

Start with the group that feels easiest. The last group is the gentlest way to end an evening.

Feelings and needs

  1. What’s something you need from me that you find hard to ask for?
  2. When do you feel most loved by me, and when do you feel least seen?
  3. What’s a worry you carry that you rarely say out loud?
  4. How can I tell when you’re upset but not saying it?
  5. What does a really good day feel like for you lately?
  6. On a bad day, what do you need from me: advice, distraction or just company?
  7. What part of you do you think I haven’t fully met yet?
  8. When did you last feel lonely, even with me around?

The past and who you became

  1. Which moment from your childhood still shapes how you love?
  2. What did your family teach you about love without ever saying it?
  3. What’s a belief you held five years ago that you’ve let go of?
  4. Who taught you the most about being a good partner, for better or worse?
  5. What’s a mistake that changed you for the better?
  6. What did you need to hear as a teenager that nobody told you?
  7. When did you last surprise yourself?
  8. What are you proud of that most people don’t know about?

Our relationship

  1. When did you know this relationship was different?
  2. What’s one moment with me you replay in your head?
  3. What do you think we’re best at as a couple?
  4. What’s something I do that you’ve never thanked me for, but want to?
  5. Where do you think we’ve grown the most since we met?
  6. What’s one thing about us you’d protect no matter what?
  7. Is there a part of our routine that’s quietly stopped working for you?
  8. What would you like us to do more of, starting this week?

Conflict and repair

  1. Which argument do you think we’re still having, years later?
  2. What helps you calm down after a fight, and how can I make that easier?
  3. How do you know when an apology from me is real?
  4. What’s something I said in an argument that stuck with you?
  5. When do you feel you have to hold back your opinion with me?
  6. What would make it easier for you to bring up something that bothers you?
  7. How do you want me to tell you when you’ve hurt me?
  8. What’s a fight you’re glad we had?

The future

  1. What does a life well lived look like to you at 80?
  2. What’s a dream you’ve put on hold, and what would it take to start again?
  3. What are you most afraid of losing?
  4. Where do you want us to be in ten years, and where do you hope we don’t end up?
  5. What’s a change you want to make this year, and how can I help?
  6. What would make our home feel like home five years from now?
  7. What would you regret not doing together?
  8. What do you hope people say about us?

Gratitude and closeness

  1. What’s a small thing I did recently that meant more than I realized?
  2. What’s your favorite version of me?
  3. When do you feel most like yourself around me?
  4. If you could keep only one memory of us, which would it be?
  5. What do you love about the way I love you?
  6. What’s something you’ve wanted to tell me but haven’t found the moment for?
  7. What’s one way I could make you feel more appreciated?
  8. What’s a question you wish I’d ask you more often?

Questions

What are good deep questions to ask your partner?

Open questions about needs, the past, your relationship, conflict and the future work best, especially ones that can’t be answered with yes or no. “What do you need from me on a bad day?” and “What did your family teach you about love without saying it?” are good places to start.

How many deep questions should we ask at once?

Three or four is plenty for one evening. Deep questions need time for follow-ups, so a short list you actually talk through beats a long list you rush.

What if a question turns into an argument?

Pause and come back to it another day. A question that brings up a real difference is useful, but it’s easier to talk about when you’re both calm. If the same topic keeps turning into a fight, a couples therapist can help.

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